This is not a happy blog post, but neither is it a sad one. Instead, it is a blog post that wants to say: I am no longer going to NYU. The simple reason? $113,000.

That number is the total that would be paid back after an estimated 20 years of paying them back. It would be roughly $75,000 total for the tuition alone, however, after the service fee plus interest rates—a whopping 7.6% compounded daily—would end up being that eye-watering number.

That number is a part that relies on me being capable to complete the Master’s program in 3 semesters, though there was a possibility of it becoming a four semester program. That would obviously add to the total amount; a figure I’d rather not even begin to image being attached to my name as debt. It’s frustrating, to say the least, that I’m unable to go to a school like NYU because I couldn’t afford the tuition.

I will admit, the school did offer me money to go there. A paltry sum of $6,000 per year.

What generosity.

Now I have no plans for roughly 13 months. No real direction. These times in my life—the times where I have no direction—are the toughest for me to live through. My main source of sadness about this entire thing isn’t that I’m not going to NYU, but that I have no direction anymore.

However, I am trying to see deflating event as an opportunity. This is key. Without this perspective, I will fall into despair and that’s not good, is it?